Weighing the Pro's and Con's

Have you ever worked out so hard that your body begins to crap so badly that you fall to ground in a contorted mass of pain? Yeah, me neither, but I've heard about that happening and hope it never happens to me.

I have lately found that my work outs have been very very hard and I struggle to do task that would ordinarily be easy. Today I could barely lift my legs to go up the stairs, on Tuesday I could barley lift my arms to dress myself. Ahh the pain of a good work out..

I know I should embrace the feelings, the pain, but damn it this is why I hate to exercise.. Not a big fan of being in pain and uncomfortable, if I was why not go with something easy like constipation, pulling my own hair, or stubbing my toe..

I am also not a big fan of looking down at my lap when I'm sitting and seeing the gigantic mass of flesh rolled into a tub wrapped around my middle. The feelings that come with this mass are embarrassment, which I often try to hid by layering clothes on top of it, or by holding pillows when I sit.. Ever notice my bad posture.. It's easier to hit the tube if slouch over..
So now one must pull out their pro's and con's list and weigh out what pain is easier to deal with..

I'm gonna go with the exercise, after all the moment of pain that comes with exercise will pass and so with the tube in my middle.. I guess it's a two for one deal.

So I shall suck it up, push through the pain and keep at it.. Because the end is worth it... What! Is there an end???

Positive Thinking

So I've decided that my negative thinking when it comes to exercise is possibly hindering my ability/willingness to do it. So in an effort to stay "positive" I will no longer refer to exercise as Hell sessions and those who make me do it as either Satan or Demons.
This new positive attitude is based on Kathy. She has started P90X and has put on her positive pants and is really inspiring me with her determination and positive attitude.
So now I too shall put on my positive pants. Now lets be realistic my positive pants are very very small, and often don't fit.. So if I start to spew cuss words in a derogatory manor toward exercise, that just means I'll be positive later. Maybe it's better to say I've got my positive pants at my ankles. They're on but technically not entirely where they are suppose to be.. You might say that this time it's ok to be caught with your pants at your ankles. :)
Tomorrow is a weigh in day probably should start thinkin positive about my scale now.. Could be bad.. could be good.. could end the life of an innocent scale.. we'll just have to see.

It started so early

Do you remember the first time you lied about your weight? I do...

I can remember it well, it was in Mrs. Gleason's 3rd/4th combo class, and we were having health check ups. Our teacher would take us kids from the class in our single file line and march us to the teachers lounge where the big metal scale was. We'd go from table to table where teachers would do head lice and ear checks, take our height and then off to the final check point... The Scale.. once the deed was done we'd wait in our single file line to go back to our classroom.

Now let me interrupt my story by sharing that when I was in 3rd grade there were only 4 girls in my entire class Me, Sommer, Christy, and Miranda.. and Sommer was the beautiful one. The one that looked like she was straight out of a Punky Bruster show, the coolest of cool, the best thing since feathered hair, and man did I want to be her.

Once back in Mrs. Gleason's classroom some of the kids started sharing their weight, and in an instant I knew I was gonna have to lie. Hearing their numbers I knew I was at least a good 5 to 10lbs heavier, and I would never be able to admit my true weight. Especially not in front of the coolest, prettiest girl that I wanted to be like so badly.. so I LIED!!
I was in 3rd Grade, and I needed to lie about my weight to fit in and feel better about myself, or at least that's what I told myself. I wanted to be cool, I wanted to be like Sommer.
It didn't stop there, I went on a crazy journey of weight issues throughout my adolescence. I continued comparing myself to the beautiful girls in my grades, never satisfied with who I was.

By middle school; I believe 7th grade, I overdosed on diet pills for the first time, by high school I had progressed to making myself sick, and of course along the way I lied every chance I had about my weight. I entered a world of self hate, destruction, and lies, a world that I was good at hiding.

Looking back now I see that my self image was completely skewed. I looked great, too bad I spent so much time stressing over how I looked or what others thought of me.
(Ok so if there we sound effects for this moment it'd be a cars brakes screeching to a halt. )

What the hell am I doing now?? I'm spending so much time on worrying about how I look, not for myself (most of the time) but for others. What a crazy concept. I obviously am in a cycle of self destruction.

Imagine that, I started this topic because I wanted to lie about my weight for this week, afraid of what others might think if I am already sucking at this, and through my ramblings I discovered I am once again living in a life of skewed images.

I wanted to take this journey for myself, not to find self worth or acceptance in the eyes of others. I'm doing this because I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to embrace a new confidence on how I feel and look.. I want to stop my destructive cycles and for once stop lieing..

I've gained 2lbs, I'm at 199, just one pound shy of 200.. I'm still beautiful, and extremely cool, just not very comfortable in my body or clothes. See that wasn't so hard.

Where have I been...

Well I am learning the art of dieting while sick.. You'd think it could be easy, but in all actuality when I'm sick I want to submerge my aches and pains with food.. This weeks choices are a staggering list of ice creams, cheeses, and those oh so comforting potatoes..
Have I fallen off the band wagon? No, just had to park it for a moment, while I nurse my uncomfortableness.
I did weigh myself on Thursday, and had successfully lost a lb! Yep just one itty bitty pound! Even though I should let that get to me, it's not gonna happen. I know for a fact that I did make excellent choices, where as in the past I'd not chosen to have another glass of water, or I would have chosen to have full calorie ice cream instead of the sugar free stuff. So strides are being made, even if so little.
My goal this week as I nurse my bronchitis is to really focus on my calorie intake, since it's difficult to really exercise I have to make sure that I watch what I eat..
So that's my plan.. Sorry nothing really exciting today, I'm sure once I start feeling better my witty charm with be back to entertain you all..

So did I survive the run????

I know you've all been on pins and needles waiting to hear the outcome of my run. So the good news is no emergency services were necassary.

I started out procrastinating (as usual) made dinner, ate dinner, looked for head phones that fit into my phone, you know the typical distractions to prevent me from a good workout.

I finally ran out of distractions and had to just do it. Like the Nike slogan but with much less enthusiam, I left the comfort of my warm sweet home into the cold, harsh, rainy, outdoors. I begin to curse in a very low tone. A pletheria of curse words streamed from my lips until my lungs couldn't handle the dawnting task of breathing and cursing.

As I came to my first corner, my gasping for air was in full affect. Just then I see a wobbly skater, wearing full derby gear come around the corner. With the words of HotBoxxx reminding me that I need "20 minutes of elevated heart rate" I know that I should continue to run, but my derby instincts to recruit kicked in and I stopped. With my hands on my knees, my chest heaving, I squeeked out "What's with the skates" sure I could have been nicer but we are all lucky at this point I could still speak. She smiled and said "I'm gonna try roller derby."

I had to talk, recruit, serve my league well, certainly this would be excusable by you all. We shared a few words about the league and practices, I gave a couple of tips on how not to kill yourself on an outdoor skate, and then proceeded to say "I have to work on my endurance." We said our good byes and I took off again.

The moment my feet hit the ground I realized now I was going to have to run, no breaks, the entire rest of the way because this women, I just met, could see me and hold me accountable for not running. Would she start mocking me on the inside if I stopped. So like teenaged girl walking infront of the upper class, I pretended to be cool. " oh ya, I got this.. I can run no problem."

I prayed for the corner to come closer so that I could stop once out of her view. When I finally met the sweet end to my lung busting run I realized that eating enchiladas right before a run was a bad choice.

See I am learning... I learned that even when I procrastinate I still have to do it, I learned that I can run at a decent pace and not die, and that eating before a run is not good. Oh and that it's always ok to stop and talk derby...

Did you know??

So tonight at Derby practice I learned from the very slim and trim Hotboxxx that you need to have your heart rate elevated for 20 minutes before you start to burn fat, I think thats what she said, sometimes it's hard to hear people talk over my gasping for air in a pace line.lol.
Isn't that funny, 20 minutes of elevated heart rate, I guess my tried and true way of measuring a good work out by the amount of sweat under my boobs is out the door.
Now normally I would take this 20 minutes into account and do some high knees on the way to the fridge to grab a beer, or maybe some squats while I make some nachos, but since that hasn't been working so great for me I suppose I'll listen to Hotboxxx and focus on keeping my heart rate up.
I'm sure the ways of doing this are countless, why just the other day I'm sure my heart rate was up for more then 20 minutes while I attempted to bend over and shave my legs in the shower. Tuff business that leg shavin stuff, takes the wind right out of me. However there's probably a very fit person who'd object to my leg shaving as being exercise.
So my goal for tomorrow is to go for a run. That sounds like a reasonable task. I have mapped out a 1 mile loop around my house and am sure that will elevate my heart rate and give me a good work out. Of course before attempting such feat I am going to have my kids well versed on how to dial 911, it's possible emergency services will be required.
So that's it .... RUN ... Tomorrow.... Oh man what have I gotten myself into..

So Many Tools!

Have you ever noticed there are a kajillion products out there to lose weight? Seriously one could go years trying a new product every day and still have not lost an ounce. That's because all those wonder drugs, videos, and machines will only work if you've mentally decided you want the change/lose weight.

Many people, myself included, have use these miracle products hoping that in a week we'll be slim and trim, and then blame the products for not working. As if it's the magic pills fault I ate an entire pizza myself and washed it down with a 2 liter of soda, and then snacked on a 10 piece hot wing. (Yes I have done this)

This time I am choosing to take my journey unassisted by these wonderious products. Instead I'm focusing on the tried and true ways of weightloss. Portion control, fluid intake, and exercise... could it be that simple?? Can a person really lose weight and tone their body into what they want just by doing those 3 simple steps? I guess we'll find out.

However, I don't go into this journey with out any aids at all. I have a freakin amazing app on my Droid Eris phone, that actual scans the bar codes on the packages of the food I eat. This bar code scanner logs my calories, fats, even weight watcher points!
Journaling is another step I'm going to have to add to my steps to weightloss. I must log everything I eat. I'm one of those people who will eat a small village and not realize it, so journaling is very important to me. One more tool I'll be using on this journey, a food scale, I bought it a few months ago but now I will actually use it. Understanding portion control has always been pretty easy for me, but agian something I've choosen not to pay attention to.

So now with my phone/journal in hand I'm off to track all the foods I've eaten for the day. Then onto a step aerobics class that's guaranteed to kick my flabby ass into a tight firm buttoux:)