It started so early

Do you remember the first time you lied about your weight? I do...

I can remember it well, it was in Mrs. Gleason's 3rd/4th combo class, and we were having health check ups. Our teacher would take us kids from the class in our single file line and march us to the teachers lounge where the big metal scale was. We'd go from table to table where teachers would do head lice and ear checks, take our height and then off to the final check point... The Scale.. once the deed was done we'd wait in our single file line to go back to our classroom.

Now let me interrupt my story by sharing that when I was in 3rd grade there were only 4 girls in my entire class Me, Sommer, Christy, and Miranda.. and Sommer was the beautiful one. The one that looked like she was straight out of a Punky Bruster show, the coolest of cool, the best thing since feathered hair, and man did I want to be her.

Once back in Mrs. Gleason's classroom some of the kids started sharing their weight, and in an instant I knew I was gonna have to lie. Hearing their numbers I knew I was at least a good 5 to 10lbs heavier, and I would never be able to admit my true weight. Especially not in front of the coolest, prettiest girl that I wanted to be like so badly.. so I LIED!!
I was in 3rd Grade, and I needed to lie about my weight to fit in and feel better about myself, or at least that's what I told myself. I wanted to be cool, I wanted to be like Sommer.
It didn't stop there, I went on a crazy journey of weight issues throughout my adolescence. I continued comparing myself to the beautiful girls in my grades, never satisfied with who I was.

By middle school; I believe 7th grade, I overdosed on diet pills for the first time, by high school I had progressed to making myself sick, and of course along the way I lied every chance I had about my weight. I entered a world of self hate, destruction, and lies, a world that I was good at hiding.

Looking back now I see that my self image was completely skewed. I looked great, too bad I spent so much time stressing over how I looked or what others thought of me.
(Ok so if there we sound effects for this moment it'd be a cars brakes screeching to a halt. )

What the hell am I doing now?? I'm spending so much time on worrying about how I look, not for myself (most of the time) but for others. What a crazy concept. I obviously am in a cycle of self destruction.

Imagine that, I started this topic because I wanted to lie about my weight for this week, afraid of what others might think if I am already sucking at this, and through my ramblings I discovered I am once again living in a life of skewed images.

I wanted to take this journey for myself, not to find self worth or acceptance in the eyes of others. I'm doing this because I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to embrace a new confidence on how I feel and look.. I want to stop my destructive cycles and for once stop lieing..

I've gained 2lbs, I'm at 199, just one pound shy of 200.. I'm still beautiful, and extremely cool, just not very comfortable in my body or clothes. See that wasn't so hard.